Okay, so I've made a commitment to take my belief and do God's will with it. And what might that be? And why am I still here writing? Why would a smut writer turn to something like this? Why abandon a successful erotica story site? All of these questions start with "Why?" Trust me, I wrestled with the decision for months. The crossroad was in my head and in my heart. The outcome of that battle to decide which way to go was not up to me. I prayed for guidance to take my commitment to do His will, and this is what I'm doing with my writing.

It's what I do. I write. I enjoy writing. Some who have read my words have encouraged me through their letters and comments. Those reflections from my audience were my motivation to continue. I must admit that those motivations were mixed with the selfish desire to know I was able to arouse people I did not even know, and it also gave me a sense of having a skill to craft emotions through the written word. It wasn't enough to just tell a good story, I wanted to know I turned somebody on. To be able to awaken arousal in another person was a source of power. And that power, as indirect and anonymous as it was, proved to be addicting. To leave that source of power was also a decision made at a significant crossroads for me.

The world I live in has not changed, but I have. Unfortunately, my changing does little to divert what life brings into my life every single day. Every day crossroads appear in front of me, and I have to make a choice. The choices I make are of my own free will. Free will is a gift given to us all. The freedom to choose. And the battle rages in a spiritual world in dimensions beyond our simple little three dimensional world beyond my comprehension to explain. My only protection from the battle and the choices filled with temptation are my faith and the power of prayer.

The power of prayer; that's a phrase I thought to be very "religious" and sort of a slick marketing thing used by the bible thumpers. I'd prayed before. I'd prayed a lot. And I never seemed to have any of them answered. Life was always delivering a challenge of once sort or another. More than once, I'd managed to lose everything. More than once I'd survived and made a come-back. What more proof did I need that God wasn't providing anything for me...it was me that survived by my own wits and my own sweat. Call me a cynic. I did not need God to answer my prayers because he never did...or so I thought.

He was always there. He was at every crossroads. He heard every prayer - even the ones where I was asking for a material solution for a material problem. And that's why (in my mind) why I felt my prayers were not answered. I was not praying for guidance or clarity or to know His will for me. While it's true I had to do the work to make His will for me a reality, I had been missing the boat all along. I'd been waiting for a solution from Him, as opposed to the guidance and clarity I needed to make the right choices in tough situations. I'd been praying for the wrong things. But I prayed, and I wanted people to know I prayed - you know - the public demonstration of faith thing. It was sad really. I did not understand the relationship I had available to me. I discovered something that embarrassed me in Matthew:

"When you pray, don't be like the hypocrites who love to pray publicly on street corners and in the synagogues where everyone can see them. I tell you the truth, that is all the reward they will ever get."
Matthew 6:5-6

Like I said, I did not understand the relationship I had. I had no clue that the Holy Spirit lived in me. Call it the voices in your head, but He was there at every crossroads. And I rarely sought His counsel. But that's changed. I've witnessed the power. I don't mourn the lose of thousands of hours dedicated to authoring stories and amassing an inventory of accomplishment. I thought I would. But the library of of this world, and all of this is temporary. The real reward is not our accomplishments in this life, it's the reward of eternal life through Jesus Christ so far beyond our three dimensions. None of what's here matters.

And there's our dilemma. We cannot ignore this world or it will eat us alive. We have to swim with the current or against it. Another crossroad. Either way, it requires strength and commitment, and most of all endurance. I've found the power of prayer helps me determine which direction I am to swim. Sometimes the best course of action is swim to the edge and watch it all go by. Day-to-day, I rarely know when or where my next crossroad will manifest itself, But I know that being in prayer about everything has made a difference in my life.

"Don't worry abut anything, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7

Every crossroad is an opportunity for prayer. And you don't have to do that alone.

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results."
James 5:16-17

"My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins."
James 5:19-20

Prayer is one of those freedoms we're so lucky to have. It's made a difference in my life if for no other reason than to know it is a conversation that is beyond my life and whatever troubles I face at a particular crossroads. That is where I find the strength to endure the world I live in - the world that offers up so many crossroads where I have to choose my path. It's not always easy to make the right choice, but if you never ask for guidance, you'll have to make it on your own. I've done a good job of verifying going it alone is not the best way.