You cannot begin to know the thrill I got from writing a sizzling hot story and receiving comments about how aroused people got from reading my words. It gave me a sense of power, and in a strange way, a sense of worth. What a rush to write an e-book and have it published. And then to have a reviewer, who reads hundreds of pieces of erotica, write flattering words like, "This man knows how to please a woman..." Isn't that every man's dream? Doesn't every man want to be known as a great lover? Someone with the patience to please his lover before himself? For many years, I thought such things. The praise was for me, the great reviews, the fan mail, it was all private and did not conflict with anything or anyone. I had myself convinced that I harmed no one.

Justification to continue writing came from knowing I did not personally arouse anyone, so I was remaining faithful in my marriage. Truth is, I was the corrupter in the lives of others. My words, my stories, all came from my heart.

"For from the heart comes evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying and slander." Matthew 15:19

At the time, I had convinced myself that my heart was set apart from the immorality painted through my words and the potential for evil that came from my stories. I did not know scripture, and I was ignoring Jesus in my life. That sense I clung to of being apart is what absolved me from any evil that might come from someone reading my stories and acting upon any immoral temptations my words might conjure up in their lives. Selfishness enabled me to only see and feel what I received in return for my efforts.

This morning I read something else in the Book of Matthew that stung me deeply. It was an indictment that I confirmed with every story I had written...and was reconfirmed with every day I allowed MyErotica to live...and to tempt.

"What sorrow awaits this world, because it tempts people to sin. Temptations are inevitable, but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting." Matthew 18:7

Let me tell you...no words I've ever written, or read, touched me so personally as those. The sense of wrongness filled me so completely, contradicting the sense of accomplishment that had sustained me with my personal satisfaction, my inventory of over a thousand stories, my stash of fan mail, all held as precious possessions for so many years.

Looking back, I can see that I had been searching for something - some sort of satisfaction that would transcend a marriage of many years that had turned badly through mutual neglect and the agonizing death of passion. What to do in a house full of wife and kids and pets and be so alone? How do you escape that prison? Where do you turn for that feeling of being held - that sense of being special - belonging to someone special?

For me, it was in a fantasyland of stories stoked by a lust mistaken for a search for lasting love. I searched everywhere, dulled my pain with drugs and alcohol, looked everywhere except in my own heart. In the depths of aloneness I finally gave in to temptation that reflected back to me from a reader. The affair destroyed her marriage and damaged the relationship with her children. The affair gave me permission to ignore any feelings I may have had somewhere down deep in my heart about rescuing my own marriage. I let it slip away. And I had never...I had never felt more alive. How could this be wrong? This truly had to be the gift I had been searching for. Peace and happiness had to be something external to me. But it wasn't. It never is. It's never external to ourselves, yet that is the logical place to look. I was so busy looking and promoting things outside of myself, I never thought to consider my heart as the source. My heart had to change, and I was not strong enough - or willing enough - to realize that my life would not change until my heart did.

"A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart." Matthew 12:34

I did not have God in my heart. I was defenseless. It even got to the point that I no longer recognized temptation. The Enemy had blinded me. I had become it. I was living it. Even more terrifying, it was living in me. Being consumed by temptation is subtle, often we cannot see it at the time. It is like a drug that satisfies...for a while...then you need more if it. Temptation is too strong for us to overcome alone. It is every bit as much an addiction as heroin or alcohol. And the deeper we descend into the addiction the more confident we believe that our lives are good...even when things are going so wrong...and the more entrenched it becomes. This is my confession to you who read these words. I was strong and confident, and no one could tell me I was wrong, or selfish, or a fool of a man. I had not given up on life - quite the contrary - I was building my own. I did not know how deeply I had fallen when all along I thought I was soaring. Satan made my free fall into temptation feel like I was flying on the updrafts of plenty.

If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you the way out so that you can endure. 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

Those of you who are reading these words - those of you who continued to read even after you realized MyErotica had changed - I welcome you to join me in a life in Christ. I'm by no means an expert in using the bible, or spreading the Good News, nor am I a sinless man. I'm a forgiven man in a new life...and this new life is no less difficult than the last - this life has no less temptation than before, and this life has no less distraction from an external world, and yet it is new, and it is so very different. I found it on my knees one day when I offered up my heart to Jesus Christ, and I asked Him to come into my life. He did, and I felt the energy of the Holy Spirit surge within me. And all I had to do was stop searching outside of myself and look inward...and ask Him to come into my heart.

It really is that simple, and the burden of life's circumstances and past sins are no match for the power of Christ, and He will lift those burdens from you if you only ask from the heart.

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:28-30

I pray each of you can find and hold closely what is so freely offered.

G.