He rolled his head from left to right, synchronizing a wicked swirl of his tongue. The slightest hesitation on my part triggered a grunted ‘uhn-uhh’ and a subtle flexing of fingers on my hips encouraging me deeper. Something screamed in my head, demanding I turn away and run. Something else told me to stay while redefined heaven swallowed my cock. So there I stood, somewhere among a confusing crowd of terror, disbelief and a new ecstasy. Instinct brought me to my toes, reaching with my cock to stuff it deeper into the mouth of a man I did not know, allowing him – wanting him – needing him to take me to a place I’d never been. The most primal of all urges swelled in my throat, choking me, preventing me to warn him I couldn’t hold back. He knew, and he nodded, moaning approval that it would be the right thing for me to release into him. My hands gripped the edges of the stall and my knees buckled the moment everything I thought about myself changed; the moment the animal in me howled with the burden of agony; with the implications of unwanted discovery. I zipped and ran. 

All of that moment was new; the wrongness of it melted into a discarded puddle of values, replaced by a newfound lust embedded in me as deeply as my cock had been in his mouth. The wrongness of it drove my strides as I tried to outrun where I had been and what I had just done. The rightness of it sprung from every validating swirl of his tongue on my sweet spot. Wherever lust had decided to take me, I went as a willing companion. Little did I know the destination would birth a source of fantasy that would haunt me until...until when? Until I had another man’s cock measuring the depths of my lust? 

I ran until I couldn’t run any further. Darkness in the park promised comfort and a place to hide. What a laugh – escape would be impossible as long as I could feel his mouth and tongue devouring my cock. The ache became too much to bear, and I unzipped, stroking my way through an instant replay. Eyes were pinched shut to prevent seeing, and, at the same time, to have a better image as I jerked and pulled myself into another incredible orgasm not ten minutes after blowing my load down a stranger’s throat. All I could do was stand there and stare down at the profile of my penis, amazed at how it refused to go limp. I fell to my knees and vomited. 

* * * * * 

Charleston, West Virginia had nothing to offer from my perspective, and the Marriott looked like every other Marriott right down to the famous macadamia nut dessert being unavailable. The novelty of making a joke to the server had long since lost its appeal in too many Marriott’s gone before. No bother; I settled for a coffee and Bailey’s. I always settled; always settled for the routine my life had become. The night before I sat in the Pittsburgh airport and had to look at my itinerary to determine if I was flying home or to my next training class. Legs of flights blurred into endless waiting in anonymous airports before strapping into preferred aisle seating with first class upgrades, rental cars, Jack Daniels, and hotel beds. The glamorous life on the road had lost its luster. I needed to get out. I needed to run. 

A bottle of wine and two Baileys with my coffee filled me with enough warmth to look forward to even an uncomfortable hotel bed. After folding the meal receipt and tucking it in my shirt pocket, I stood and headed for the restroom to relieve my bladder. Senses; particularly that of smell can become a portal through which ten years can be traversed in an instant. The bathroom had that smell, had that memory, and it took me back to that evening I stood before a strange man and let him suck me off. My heart quickened. That event those many years earlier had always offered good images to jerk off to, but I never really considered doing it again, but at that moment, with that smell, the desire filed me with an overwhelming desire. All I wanted in that instant was his mouth. I’ve never wanted anything as badly as I wanted that moment to live again. 

I stood in front of the urinal and stared at the wall with my cock bobbing to every pounding beat of my heart. Breathing did not come easily, and I considered jerking off right there in the men’s room to get beyond the flashback. That’s when I saw it. Scrawled on the wall in tiny, almost unreadable hand I read, “Love to suck! 302-555-6734”. My heart leapt into my throat, and a surge of anticipation exploded in my gut. Those words thrust me to a decision point. Could I roll back ten years and relive that moment? The number wound up on the back of my meal receipt. The walk back to the elevator seemed like running the gauntlet where self-judgments sparred with a raging lust, trapping me in the middle.  

The hotel phone rang, jarring me back into the present. “Sir, are you okay?” 

I hesitated, confused. “Ah, yes...yes, I’m fine.” 

“Okay, just checking you phone has been off-hook three times for an extended period without making a call, and it sends an alarm to our console. We just wanted to make sure you were not in some kind of trouble.” 

“Oh, sure. Thanks. No, I’m fine. I...ahh...was just looking for a number.” 

“Alright sir. Just let us know if we can be of assistance.” 

My heart slowly stopped hammering. “Yes, thank you. Good night.” 

“Good night, sir.” 

Trouble? Fuck yes I was in trouble. My thumb slipped over the number I had written down as though I could rub temptation away and prevent making a choice that held as much terror as it held attraction. The smell of the bathroom stained my senses with the residue of a ten year old lust; temptation had been following me as quietly as a shadow – always there, yet never getting in the way. Decision point. I stepped out into space and dialed. 

“Hello?” 

I said nothing as my free hand squeezed my half-hard penis. I couldn’t say anything. I could barely breathe. My heart was in the way, swollen to ten times its normal size by the presence of a raging lust.  

“Are you at the Marriott?” 

He knew. Jesus! Thunder pealed in my head though not a cloud floated in the sky. My stomach joined my heart in my throat, and I struggled to speak. “Yes,” I could only whisper. 

“Do you like to have your cock sucked?” 

The voice knew everything but had the courtesy to confirm permission. My head spun, filled with a go no-go decision. What if he worked for the police? What if he just wanted to rough somebody up? What if...? What if...? 

Lust took the reins. “Yes.” Again my voice failed, rendering a raspy whisper hoarse with a increasing evidence of my desire. 

His voice sounded kind. He had to be safe. More thunder rumbled through my head, and my chest tightened as I made my confession. “I like it a lot.” 

“Why don’t you jump in the shower? I can be there in half an hour. I’ll let you use a mouth that knows how to please a man. Would you like that?” 

Panting for breath, I whispered, “512. Room 512” 

“30 minutes. Don’t jerk off. I want all of it.” 

When I hung up the phone I exhaled as though my breath had been trapped for hours. I lifted my head and looked across the room to see my reflection staring back at me. “Fuck!” 

The shower came and went. Every fiber in my body fought the urge to masturbate. All I could do was pace around the room, my cock pushing into my shorts like I was hiding a unicorn. What had I done? What was I going to do? A soft knock on my door pushed me right up to the edge. Decision time again. “Fuck!” I whispered above a howling chaos boiling in my heart. 

He was younger than me and had a stockier build, standing a few inches shorter. I latched and locked the door after he came into the room. When I turned the lock I wondered if I was locking the real world out, or locking my fantasy in. By the time I turned around, he had taken off his jacket and half the buttons on his shirt were undone. There were no words spoken. Permission filled the air with an electric silence. Paralysis held me in place. My fingers could not have handled unbuttoning my shirt even if it had buttons. He bent to push his pants off and longish blonde hair hung loose around his face. Thoughts flashed through my head that this would all be justifiable; his hair was long enough to be that of a woman. Did I need justification that this person in front of me was not a man? Logic clouded when desire spoke up and insisted it didn’t matter. Something inside of me said it did matter, but goddam if I could tell what it might be. 

Two quick steps and he fell to his knees in front of me, reaching up and tugging at my shorts. My cock swung out at him like it had been spring-loaded. Breath left me when he leaned closer and buried his face in the hair at the base of my cock. His face slid along my length, prickly stubble scraping, rolling underneath and causing it to sway to the other side of his face once again burying his nose into my pubic hair. 

“Shit, that’s a sweet dick you’ve got there,” he said softly, totally absorbed in the inspection of my penis. It seemed like my presence served merely as the vehicle for his pleasure. It struck me that he did not care about me, my name, my job, or my life. The cock throbbing in his face was the object of his affection – the object of his lust.  

Another layer of permission swelled in me. “It’s all yours.” My voice did not sound like it came from me. I did not recognize myself. All that mattered in that moment was his mouth and how badly I needed my ache relieved. But I didn’t just want sucked off; I wanted taken. 

He grabbed me by the root and licked the underside from his hand to the tip with an agonizing slowness. He licked me again, this time even slower, his eyes looking up at mine. When he got to the tip he swallowed me in a single gulp, causing me to stagger back against the door. After withdrawing me with an exaggerated slurping sound, he went back down forcing me into his throat.

“Fuck.” Nothing else came out of my mouth. My knees were weak enough for me to grab at the door handle for support. 

He released me and stood in front of me grinning and stroking his cock. “I’m going to really enjoy sucking you off.” 

Images flooded back into my head. I could smell the bathroom again; could see the stranger nod before I came. The moment had returned. This man had become sex. I had become sex. Choices were something I no longer had in my possession, nor did I care.  

“Wanna get high?” he asked, still stroking his cock.  

Getting high did not seem like a choice either – more like a progression. “Absolutely.” 

We sat on the bed completely naked and passed a joint back and forth without saying a word. The dope turned out to be two-hit pot, but we smoked the whole number. Getting to incredibly stoned added another thick layer of permission to the sexual momentum swirling in room 512.  

Choices were a second thought. My eyes went to his cock, and without even thinking about it, I licked my lips. Going down on him was not part of the plan. I’d never done that. I’d never spent any time thinking about doing that, at least not until he leaned back on his elbows and blew the last lung full of pot smoke into the air. 

Without hesitation and disregarding forty-some years of who I thought I was, I leaned over and wrapped my lips around his cock. I not only wrapped my lips, I went down on him to the limits my body permitted. By porn-standards, I suppose he was small. By my standards, which had been unnecessary to define, he was perfect. My first thought of how he felt in my mouth was that of hot steel wrapped in silk. His cock was an incredible mix of hardness with a smooth satiny exterior. He tasted clean, and his scent complimented the memories of that fateful bathroom from so long ago.  

He rolled his hips upward in a slow thrusting motion and flexed, causing his entire cock swelled from base to tip. His cock crossed a threshold in my mind from an inanimate body part to something alive. He became alive in my mouth. His body moved – his body moved because of what I did to him. Hips lifted toward my face. What an incredible rush. God, he wanted this. He wanted what I was doing.

“Yesss. Suck me,” he whispered through clenched teeth.  

Hearing his voice jarred me back to the moment. What the fuck was I doing? My hands were on his thighs, pushing them apart, and I had every inch of his cock in my mouth. What had been scrawled over the urinal said nothing about this. What the fuck was I doing? The shock of that question and the sensation of his penis swelling in my mouth sat me upright in time to see his face. His head had been leaned back and evidence of bliss flashed in his smile. At that moment, I knew I had been a part of his pleasure. This was real. Sex was right fucking now. 

He pushed my chest, making me fall backward into the middle of the bed and crawled between my legs. Everything happened as though I watched a movie. Everything happened because lust had the reins. He forced my legs apart with his knees tucked inside mine and slipped his cock next to mine. He moved slowly, thrusting, rubbing his cockhead, shaft and balls along the crook between my thigh and my pelvis. We were both wet with sweat and desire. He slid so smoothly – so perfectly. Stoned or not, I reacted with my own statement of permission and pulled my knees back.

He moved against me with more urgency. Thrusting. I closed my eyes and rocked back to match his stroke. My mind screamed, ‘Fuck me!’ 

I pulled harder, fingers digging into the soft skin behind my knees, higher, reveling in the feel of him driving himself against me. Then something changed. With my knees almost to my chest, his cock slipped between my ass cheeks. He continued to thrust, but now his cockhead slid over my anus, nudging my balls with every stroke. Every stroke over my pucker sent a shock through me that contradicted everything I thought I knew. Every thrust hurled me closer to the edge of the unknown – unknown but in an animalistic way so raw and so completely natural. He knew. My hands pulled permission into the middle of what became Fuck. 

“Do you want it?” he asked between strokes. 

The weight of yet another decision point crushed down on my chest. His strokes went into slow motion, each one shoving me closer to an admission that had never been a part of me. The seconds that passed were frozen in time. Fuck spoke in the depths of my throat rendering a growl I did not recognize. No words existed to describe how badly I wanted his cock inside of me. My answer finally rushed out in a hiss of desire boiling over onto hot coals. “Yessssss. Fuck me.” 

He sat back on his haunches and pulled a condom out of the jeans lying on the bed next to us, ripping it open with his teeth and unrolled it down over his cock. He broke open a tiny packet of lube and squirted it on an around my anus. The fluid felt cool, and it began to run down my crack toward the bed. With cock in hand, he scooted closer. The head of his cock became a paintbrush, and he spread the lube around my tight hole. Every nerve-ending burned with want, and I had never been so sure of anything. I had a strangely consuming ache for penetration. This had never been a fantasy or even a subject of passing thought, and here I was with my legs spread aching to be set free.  

I’d survived prostate exams with no problem, but those experiences did nothing to prepare me for the pain that came next. He held his cock tightly and pushed against my aching hole. Whatever fantasies I may have had evaporate when he began to push. Pressure turned to piercing pain as his cockhead began to penetrate. My body spasmed as his cockhead popped through the straining ring of my sphincter. The burst of pain caused me to struggle beneath his pressure, but he kept pushing. I did not fight his advances despite the intense pain. Visions of his cock slowly disappearing into my ass carved permanent marks on my memory. My mouth hung open in a wordless exclamation of disbelief. He sunk deeper until his cockhead nudged my prostate. The world changed. Ever-present pain mixed with a monstrous sense of desire and overwhelming pleasure. So this was fucking. 

My voice did not sound like it belonged to me. “Oh fuck! Yesss. That’s it.”  

It still hurt, but it hurt so very good. His hips finally pressed tightly against my ass, and he flexed just as he had in my mouth. I knew that was where I wanted him.  

“Mmmm, fuck me,” I groaned in my lusty stupor. 

And he did. He fucked me. He fucked me. He fucked my ass, and I watched him do it. My heels were locked on his hips pulling on him like I had become his personal cunt. In the midst of his driving strokes I couldn’t help but make the connection of how a woman must feel. My insides were being violated, pushed out of the way by his invading cock. Pressure filled me as acutely as the absence of his cock left me empty when he withdrew. I became a woman and I had a cock filling me, a magnificent cock that was hard because of me, and I wanted it there. I wanted it hard and deep. I’ll never forget the echoes of my voice begging him to fuck me harder.  

An amazing thing began to happen. My own cock throbbed and tingled without a single touch. No hand. No mouth. And yet I began to move closer to the tipping point of orgasm. 

His groans marked that he was at the same point as he thrust hard a final time, staying deep inside me. I felt him flex again, but this was different. One flex followed another – a surge filled me with a warmth I’d never felt. The sense of him pulsing inside of me and moaning in the grips of his orgasm sent me over the edge. I watched frame by frame as my cock exploded a hot stream of come that struck me under the chin. Another pulse sent a second stream lacing upward onto my chest. He pushed harder and moaned with pleasure as my sphincter muscle contracted in unison; his pulses echoing my own.  

I finally knew. I’d just fucked another man with my ass, and he’d come inside of me like I was a woman for him. I’ll never forget the way he looked when he came. What impressed me most of all was that it had been me – my body – I had been the reason another person came for me. Another second passed, and the rush changed abruptly.  

That ugly, dirty feeling returned that I had only felt once before in my life; I became flooded with the urgent desire to run. I had to escape from this man. I had to flee from my mistake. So suddenly the transition hit; I felt panic consuming me. My legs came down and his limp penis slipped away.

I tried to roll out from under him, but felt so weakened from the powerful pot we’d smoked, I could hardly move. He smeared my come on my chest with his hand and licked across my belly. I continued to struggle weakly against him, pushing on his shoulders to shove him off of me. The harder I pushed the lower he licked, slurping and moaning. Our bodies were soaked in perspiration and the stubble of his beard raked over my lower belly. I wanted to get away. I wanted to push him away. Push. My cock. My God, it was so hard. Have to push him away.  

I struggled and thrashed against a confusing blend of panic and lust. His tongue bathed me, licking my come away, beard scraping, lower. God, my cock. His cheek brushed my cockhead. Rubbing. He shouldered my legs apart, and cradled my ass in his arms, wrapping them underneath my thighs, burying his mouth into the deep hollow next to my scrotum. Tongue, oh sweet Jesus, his tongue licked, and his teeth nipped at the thick tendon at the top of my thigh. Soaking wet with sweat, his mouth opened and suckled one of my testicles deeply. 

“Ohhh!” My head slammed back into the mattress. From balls to cock and back again. Licking and sucking. Eating. 

What he said explained why I need not try to escape. “THIS is why I came over here.” 

He thrust his mouth into my crotch on the other side of my cock, licking my scrotum and teasing the side of my shaft with his teeth. “You told me this cock was mine. Didn’t you? Didn’t you?” 

All I could do was look at him. Words would not come.  

“Tell me it’s mine again. Tell me what you want me to do with it,” he whispered hoarsely. 

The most powerful sensation of want I have ever felt ripped through me. This man, this moment of Fuck belonged to me, and all I had to do was tell him what I wanted. Ever since that moment ten years ago, somewhere deep in my subconscious I’ve wanted it. 

“Yeah, it’s yours. This beautiful cock belongs to you. I want to fuck that mouth of yours just like you fucked my ass. Eat it for me.” 

I relaxed my thighs open in the ultimate posture of submission, and I grabbed his head, tangling fingers in his hair and steered him to where we both wanted to go. The blow job he delivered could not be compared to any that came previous to that night in Charleston, West Virginia. The man who had just fucked me to his satisfaction sucked me into a personal bliss that words cannot describe. I could not have fucked his mouth any sweeter than I did. There’s no way holding his head and fucking his skull could have been more satisfying. He didn’t just suck me off, he ate my cock as hard as I could feed it to him. He devoured me, and he swallowed all evidence of my completion.  

The morning sun woke me in silence. I found an anonymous Marriott bed separating me from the floor as so many had done before. In the shower I washed the residue of my own come off my throat and chest – remembering. The combination of soap and a hard, slippery cock took me back, and I pulled and stroked my way to a replay of the night before. A quick and powerful orgasm weakened my knees, and my hands braced the shower wall as I leaned into the hot spray, watching my penis bob with residual pulses. Hot water streamed over me, raining down over the back of my head and neck. I’d been taken back to that place where Fuck showed up as lust come to play.